1. Take Me Away

         I’m ready to leave this life behind…. I just want to go to sleep for a month and wake up with a different house in a different city and state, with a different job, probably even a different career and educational background and the same awesome family (and select friends) I have with me.  I feel like everything I have accomplished up to this point has been a waste, because I am not happy…. not in my personal life, my professional life or any other life you can think of…. So what’s the point? 

          This has been a rough year, I have been through the worst school year of my life, one of the worst relationships of my life, and I have never been as sick as I have in the last 8 months…. which I am sure is directly related to the first 2 mentioned reasons.  Then those issues create new issues, like financial issues for all the medical bills and I’m just overwhelmed and exhausted, which adds more stress and only increases my anxiety which continues to make me sick.  It’s a viscious cycle that I haven’t been able to shake since August.

           I just want to start over, where no one knows my name, who I am or where I’ve been… What I have or haven’t done.  Where I can be whoever I want to be without being judged, because simply no one cares or knows me to be any differently….. Sounds like an awesome plan… Have any ideas how to get it started?

          

  2. Artistic Expression

             One of my favorite quotes of all time is “A girl’s favorite song will say more about her than her mouth ever will”….. I have this quote on my facebook page and I heard that someone once said “That’s dumb, that doesn’t even make sense”  This person did not even have a clue about the depth and truth to this quote.  For example, I might be able to tell you that “I am not my hair” by India Arie is “my favorite song” (most personally meaningful), but I may not have the courage to explain why, or to tell you in my own words why that song has such a special place in my heart…. but after listening to the song you may learn something about me that you would have never found out any other way.

     

         Actually, I found such a strong connection to that song that I created a self portrait of myself looking into a mirror, with some of the lyrics to the song flowing down the waves of my hair.  This is the most meaningful and personal piece of art I have ever created….  In this picture I feel like I tore my chest open, ripped out my heart and threw it on the paper.  I think I even shed a few tears while creating it, and hearing the song makes me feel stronger than I ever knew I could be.   

         Along the same lines, maybe this person that called my quote stupid never considered the depth of personal expression and emotion that can be expressed through art and music.  I can express feelings and emotions, through song and art that words alone can’t seem to explain in enough detail.  At times, we have trouble finding words to express what we feel or a particular time in our life… but art and music give us a voice when words don’t seem to do the situation justice.

         So I actually started writing this because I’m feeling kind of weird today… and I’m not sure what it’s all about.  Sometimes the only way I can sort through my thoughts, feelings and emotions is through art or music…  So I am going to sit here and listen to music until I find a song that helps me organze and explain the way I’m feeling right now…. I’ll let you know what “The song of the day is” because always remember “A girl’s favorite song will say more about her than her mouth ever will.”

  3. Fear

    I’m scared to try cause I’m scared to fail
    I’m scared to die cause I’m scared of hell
    I’m scared to kiss, scared to hug
    I’m scared of sex cause I’m scared to touch

    I’m scared to look cause I’m scared to see
    I’m scared of you cause I’m scared of me
    I’m scared to fly cause I’m scared to crash
    I’m scared to move on so I live in the past

    I’m scared to fight cause I’m scared to bleed
    I’m scared of love cause I’m scared he’ll leave
    I’m scared of drugs I’m scared to drink
    I’m scared to swim cause I’m scared to sink

    Scared to grow up cause I’m scared to get old
    Scared of the dark and being alone
    I’m scared of war I’m scared of jail
    Scared to share a secret cause I’m scared you’ll tell

    This may sound silly but it’s true
    So don’t pretend it ain’t you too
    We all afraid of something here
    Cause you ain’t human with out fear

    ~Jazmine Sullivan - Fear (just certain verses…. not the whole song)

         I couldn’t have said it better myself.  Although this isn’t my favorite song melodically, the respect and appreciation I have for these lyrics exceeds almost any other song.  We all have insecurities and fears, however it takes a very strong person to be able to acknowledge them and then admit them…. and then write a song about it announcing it to the world.  I think everyone needs to write a song like this about themselves… We could all learn a thing or two about what makes us who we are and why we do the things we do.

         By listening to this song and really paying attention to the lyrics, it helps me to realize that I’m not perfect and that’s ok cause none of you are either.  Yes, I am a product of my past, my environment and my experiences.  They have molded and influenced me into the awesome person I am today.  Sure, I have insecurities based on my previous experiences…. I try not to let them influence present relationships and situations, but I would be stupid if I didn’t learn something from them…..

  4. Frusteration

    I think today ranks in the top 10 worst days ever… One frusteration after another…. Now, one last frusteration to vent before I go to sleep….  I am blessed to have some awesome friends… but why is it that my “friends” (particularly guys in my case) are more concerned about me, thinking about me, helping me and supporting me more than the one person (guy) I’m supposedly on a different level with….  “Maybe he’s just not that into you”  I read that book once….. My Effort > His Effort = Frusteration

  5. Crossroads (Part One, The Early Years)

        I am at one of those points in life where you know it’s time for a change, you’re just not sure what changes to make or how significant the changes should be.

         Technically, I am at a perfect place in life.  I have an amazing family, great friends, a good career, and even better education, a house, a car, all the material things I could need in life… yet I still feel unfulfilled.  I feel like I am stifled by my environment and I will never reach my potential in my current situation/location…. so what do I do?  Where do I go from here? 

          I am a very well rounded person.  I have alot of interests and hobbies and I am very good many different things.  But I have also been the person that has to be the BEST at whatever they do.  When I was little it was sports.  No one could hang with me on roller skates, and I took pride in being faster and better than every other person at skateworld no matter what day or time I was there.  The same thing in softball.  No one in my league could hit like me, ad I took pride in my clean up spot in the line up.  As I grew into high school, it became volleyball and then vocal music.  I was captain of the volleyball team, always started in the serving position, finished a bunch of games by scoring every point myself without ever rotating and I was the only player to never come out of the game.  I have always ”developed early” at everything, so it’s not that I was super amazing at the things I did I was just years ahead of everyone else, and eventualy they caught up.  When I wasn’t the best anymore, or when I felt as though I had reached my potential, I lost interest and looked for a new challenge.

           Vocal music became my next Shining Spot.  I sang at every event in high school from awards ceremonies, to the National Anthem before sportng events.  I was “Most Outstanding female vocalist” all 4 years of high school and voted most musically talented by my peers my senior year for the yearbook.  Then when I went to college and I wasn’t the best anymore, I wouldn’t say I lost interest, but I lost alot of passion for performing…. and since I had to do something with myself I decided to go into education, primarily because it was the only thing I knew coming from a family of generations of teachers…. but of course I had to be the “best” at that too.  I had to be 1 of only 50 people selected for the very competitive early childhood program at Kent and instead of having fun and doing college kid things in college… I stayed in, studying and writing papers because if I wasn’t the best then I wasn’t happy. 

  6. Life - update (more to come soon)

    Nothing in this world, got me like you do baby.

    I’d give up my soul if I could sing with you daily

    I’m not the only girl in love with you, it’s crazy

    I appreciate you boo, now I know I owe everything to you.

    ~Music, Joss Stone

         So I finally got my computer fixed and although everythings still the same, alot has changed since you last heard from me.  Mostly in my mental/emotional/spiritual state.  I have been through alot in the last 8 months, and I admit it got me down, and took me to some places I never wanted to see and never want to see again.  But as my health is improving and the sun continues to shine, more and more things are getting better.

          I had to put those lyrics as an opening to this post, because I am glad I’m flnally back to being myself (for the most part).  When I lose all interest in art, music, friends etc. I know I am not in a good place and I have to take a while to seriously focus on addressing the main issue in life that has gotten me down.  Im glad with summer right around the corner, I am in  happy place.  Stay posted and I’ll fill you in on the rest.

  7. I Feel Like a Flower

    This weekend was alot of fun and a much needed break from life.  The sun was shining and I spent alot of time with someone that makes me happy.  I kinda feel like a flower, that died over the winter and is finally ready to come back to life now that the weather is changing and the sun is shining again.  I have alot I want to write, but my computer battery died and I haven’t gotten it replaced yet…. but when I do I’ll get you updated.

    In recent news, I’m trying to accomplish some things for myself.  I decided that 2011 is going to be the best year of my life, and in order for that to happen I have some work to do! 

    Just wanted to check in, say Hi, and say thank you and I love you to Joey  :)

  8. Man oh Man

    Weekend Agenda:

    I am really going to try to keep myself busy this weekend… I have alot on my mind lately and I find that the busier I am the less I am bothered by the thoughts running through my head

    Tonight:

    Nap after school - Fridays wear me out!

    Gym - I know that once I start going to the gym on a consistent basis things will only get better.  I need to make a promise to myself to do this.  The medicine I have been on has caused me to gain weight, and I need to fight back.

    Hang out at Mom’s or at Home finishing up Christmas present wrapping

    Tomorrow:

    I really want to go shopping with my mom and I think we will maybe go on Saturday.  I would also like to go to the gym.  I need to go more consistently for it to do any good.  I’ll have to talk to her before I make any definite plans for Saturday.

    Maybe I’ll go out Saturday night?  We’ll see

    I also thing I am going to try to do some artwork this weekend.  Not the happy and girly kind of art I usually do… but I think I am going to channel something deep inside me and create in a way I have never created before…. We’ll see

  9. “For as long as I can remember I have suffered from a deep feeling of anxiety which I have tried to express in my art” – Edvard Munch       If you are one of my good friends you know that I am pretty much perfect (HaHa)!  However there is one personal demon that has been trying to hold me back for as long as I can remember, and that is anxiety.  Anxiety can be overwhelming.  It can consume you and eat at your soul.  Have you ever felt like your mind, heart and entire body were on the verge of expolding?  Have you ever been so consumed by stress that your heart races and you start gagging and become physically sick to your stomach, because of nothing other than an overwhelming feeling of anxiousness?  People that suffer from anxiety will see it manifest itself in many different forms and there are various different medical names for it’s manifestations, but Anxiety can be a very serious thing.        The anxiety I suffer from is a continuous ongoing battle.  It comes and goes and at times is worse than other times, however it never goes away.  One type of anxiety I suffer from is the type described above, like a panic attack.  I have been able to manage this type of anxiety for the most part through most of my life, however sometimes I can’t.  Sometimes it takes over and I have to work to regain control.  I am not a fan of medication, and I would rather deal with my stress and anxiety naturally and in a healthy way.  Maybe expressing my anxiety through art would be a good way to help myself deal with these overwhelming feelings.       As an artist, I have never been able to do “art” when I am overwhelmed with anxiety.  I enjoy making pretty happy pictures of puppies and flowers and things that make me happy and I seem to lose all interest in my own artwork when I am going through a rough phase battling anxiety.  Maybe I need to take a lesson from my friend Edvard Munch.  Maybe I need to learn to express myself and my anxious feelings through my art.  Maybe that could be a healthy natural way for me to release some of my anxious feelings?  I definately think this is something I am going to try to work on this year.  I might even start this month.  Thanks for reading!

    “For as long as I can remember I have suffered from a deep feeling of anxiety which I have tried to express in my art” – Edvard Munch

          If you are one of my good friends you know that I am pretty much perfect (HaHa)!  However there is one personal demon that has been trying to hold me back for as long as I can remember, and that is anxiety.  Anxiety can be overwhelming.  It can consume you and eat at your soul.  Have you ever felt like your mind, heart and entire body were on the verge of expolding?  Have you ever been so consumed by stress that your heart races and you start gagging and become physically sick to your stomach, because of nothing other than an overwhelming feeling of anxiousness?  People that suffer from anxiety will see it manifest itself in many different forms and there are various different medical names for it’s manifestations, but Anxiety can be a very serious thing. 

          The anxiety I suffer from is a continuous ongoing battle.  It comes and goes and at times is worse than other times, however it never goes away.  One type of anxiety I suffer from is the type described above, like a panic attack.  I have been able to manage this type of anxiety for the most part through most of my life, however sometimes I can’t.  Sometimes it takes over and I have to work to regain control.  I am not a fan of medication, and I would rather deal with my stress and anxiety naturally and in a healthy way.  Maybe expressing my anxiety through art would be a good way to help myself deal with these overwhelming feelings. 

         As an artist, I have never been able to do “art” when I am overwhelmed with anxiety.  I enjoy making pretty happy pictures of puppies and flowers and things that make me happy and I seem to lose all interest in my own artwork when I am going through a rough phase battling anxiety.  Maybe I need to take a lesson from my friend Edvard Munch.  Maybe I need to learn to express myself and my anxious feelings through my art.  Maybe that could be a healthy natural way for me to release some of my anxious feelings?  I definately think this is something I am going to try to work on this year.  I might even start this month.  Thanks for reading!

  10. Must’ve Forgot

       So this is my first blog back on the scene, and I think it is fair for me to tell you a little bit about myself, who I am and what I am about…. and at the same time give myself a healthy reminder…. cause apparently for a little while I must’ve forgotten.

        I must’ve forgotten how Strong I am.  I have had a very blessed life, however like most of you, I have hit my share of bumps in the road.  I have personal demons and vices just like everyone else in the world.  Many people try to hide from their own demons and live in denial of their existance, however those demons continue to eat at their soul until there is nothing left but a bag of flesh and bones.  I recognize and acknowledge mine….. I look them in the face and challenge them to bring me down every morning… and at the end of everyday I make sure I WIN! I have always been strong enough to overcome any obstacle placed in front of me with dignity and pride.  I am strong in my resilliance.  Although something may bring me down for a moment, nothing will keep me down for too long. 

         I must’ve forgotten how Beautiful I am.   I am a beautiful person.  I didn’t say I was a supermodel, however I have a beautiful spirit (and I’m cute too).  I want the best for everyone all of the time.  I am a giver.  I give what I have until I have nothing left to give.  I enjoy making the people around me happy.  I enjoy helping those less fortunate than myself.  I enjoy the feeling of knowing I make a difference in the lives of so many people.  I love to make sure my family and friends are healthy and happy.  I spoil the ones I love.  I am beautiful, and through my beauty I try to make the world a more beautiful place.

          I must’ve forgotten how Smart I am.  I know better.  I know what I want, and I know how to get it.  I am 29 years old and I am proud to say I am where I want to be in life.  I have a great education, a great job (most days), a house, a car and all the other material things my heart could desire and I have worked very hard to get to this place in life.  I have strong relationships with my friends and family and they are the most valuable things in my life.  I am smart enough to realize my potential and the potential of others.  I am smart enough to recognize my own faults and constantly work to improve upon those.  I am smart enough to recognize an unhealthy situation (although it may take me awhile) and remove myself before causing any permanent damage. 

        I must’ve forgotten how much I am loved.  I am LOVED by so many people and I am very blessed to have their love and support on a constant and consistent basis.  People come and go in life, however I am surrounded by a strong consistent base of people that know me, love me and support me despite my flaws and imperfections.  I am thankful and grateful for them and their love and they have helped to make me the strong, beautiful, smart woman that I am today!

    Possible topic for tomorrow…. Love is wanting the best for ?????  stay tuned

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